My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
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FINE, I WON’T.
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
getting groceries
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
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