To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
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We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
Adopted a “failed” police dog who was given up for rehoming. Always been a brilliant addition to the family. Loving, caring, protective. Started to wonder why the cops rejected him. Then we took him to the woods where he saw a squirrel, got scared & ran head-first into a tree.
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
Passwords are more important than ever.
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch