Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
You Might Also Like
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
Black Friday “markdowns” like
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means