I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
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Ok, but like, how married are you?
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
Every BBC series about the universe.
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors