I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
You Might Also Like
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
I found your tweet-up…
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch