It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
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Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”