writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
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Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*