Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
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Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
According to the Internet:
Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.PS4
– Cures cancer.
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.