A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
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I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR