“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
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Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.