IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
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inappropriate Care Bears be like:
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
Nose
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants