[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
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My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
Catercrombie & Fish
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
If you know, you know
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail