“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
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A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
i wish all
whales
a very
big
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.