Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
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Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
Don’t snitch tag.
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.