Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
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people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
sigh
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.