There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
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I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip