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My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.