A great tip. #CakeRex
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7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out