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I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
So creative 😂
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.