My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
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Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.