She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
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Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.