Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
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Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
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I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
*me, looking for someone to have breakfast with* wanna be friends with benedicts?
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat