4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
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Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way