A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
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What I say and what I mean are three different things.
Life with a cat in one tweet
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
bury ourselves
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.