What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
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Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
Accurate
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”