My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
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KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
🙄😏😂🤣
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*