“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
You Might Also Like
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite