You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
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Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
Ah yes. The three genders
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
I’m having an out of money experience.
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something