Can’t stop laughing
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Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
Life is a suicide mission.
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
Sounds like a bargain
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper