My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
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You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop