I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
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*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
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Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers