cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
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I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
This came to me in a dream.
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
My nickname in high school was “who?”
the pigeons are already plenty salty
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
Can’t. Being lazy.
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror this morning, so I guess once again my personality will be doing all the work today
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.