5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
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BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
I love you…
…r dog.
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.