If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
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If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*