what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
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Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers