4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
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The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.