Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
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Lord Of the Rings is a story about a brave little Hobbit on a mission to destroy a ring and save the world, and his annoying friend Frodo.
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.