I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
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are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
three things we don’t talk about
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?