[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
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There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
I need better friends
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.