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me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction