Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
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Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
three things we don’t talk about
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68fme: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat