This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
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Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
My life in a nutshell
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder