I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
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Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.