Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
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I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
Acting like you’re reaching to answer the reference desk phone while you’re actually trying to let the other librarian get to it first is an upper-level skill, they don’t teach you this stuff in library school
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
I got bills
They’re multiplying
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
just got my engagement photos
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”