(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
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I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.