Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
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Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
My laptop: *memory is low*
Me, in my 40’s: “you and me both, buddy”
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?