Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
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I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
Cha-ching is my safe word
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.