ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
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“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
Scream sneezers need love too.
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy