H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
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It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
AC/DC will always be on today’s rock and roll stations because they’re literally current.
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
💁🏻♂️
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”