I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
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ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
One of the great things about being a dad is how easy it is to launder my own desire for ice cream through my children
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂